If only James was a woman….. then we could get married.

Ok so honestly, marriage and kids have been on my mind sooo much of late. (see the last post and watch the movie Hook) and In the last year i’ve come to a really strange conclusion.

I don’t care who I marry because i feel like I can learn to love most people, I’m attracted to most people because i believe everyone is beautiful, and if we are going to get old anyway, who really cares what we look like? Its all going to end up wrinkly. And even if we find the ‘perfect’ match, they are still going to smell sometimes, and we will still hate each other sometimes because I am occasionally the worst person ever and i have incredibly annoying tendencies. But i feel like thats the fun part of marriage. Smoothing each other out. Making each other funner to be around.

And its funny how, the statement ‘well if only such and such was a woman, we could get married’ gets thrown around. Because although i think women are completely insane, and make NO sense a lot of the time. I feel like that is part of the smoothing process, figuring out how to be one even when the other makes you want to puke with their priorities. Because our triune God, put himself in both genders. He made it so that when we become one in sex and in life, its the closest echo we get to seeing the trinity community up close. Its the safe place we get to be completely vulnerable with each other, knowing the other loves us unconditionally.

The problem with James becoming a woman is…. he’s not one. And even if he got all the bits and pieces right, he still wouldn’t be a woman. And i feel like the reason the idea that marrying a man as a woman is even thought about, is because it would be easy. Marrying a dude would be sooo easy. We wouldn’t talk, if we got angry we would punch each other out, we would watch the same movies, and raise our kids the same way.

But easy isn’t good. Easy isn’t great. and easy doesn’t get us as much revelation of the trinity.

So then the other thought that has been crossing my mind of late is, why can’t i just get arranged married. That would be fine, it would get rid of the mystery, the possible heart ache, the possible embarrassment of asking a woman who has no interest in me. I’ve heard the stories, i’ve had my heart destroyed, i hate cheesiness. So how can i do the least risky and cheeseless romance story?

But once again, riskless is easy. Cheeseless is comfortable. and from what i’ve learned about chicks is – they want to be pursued. They want a knight on horse back, they like flowers (that die) and scavenger hunts (that never work out) And its not easy. Its not like fixing a car. Its not like playing call of duty, its out of my experience. Its out of my comfort bubble to an extent.

Also, trying to put two people together as one is psycho almost. Preference, comforts, love languages, history, hurt, family. Thats ridiculous. So it can’t be based in fruity la las.


1. i need to shut the hell up about marrying James. It shouldn’t happen.
2. If its easy… its not teaching you much.
3. I want to be a trinity dweller. In my marriage and kids and community. So i need to start thinking that now.
4. etc etc blah blah. you get the point.

Support awesome marriages. Do marriage awesome.


11 thoughts on “If only James was a woman….. then we could get married.

  1. I dont know completely if I should be offended or not just because people always make women seem so complicated and the hard ones in the relationship. Commitment, communication, and Being willing to be wrong at times are heaps important. Love this though.

  2. There is so much that is amazing about being in love. Firstly because it reflects how God loves us… sacrificially, extravagantly, creatively and all consuming. I understand your thinking, at a practical, hey, I need to be doing this thing, kind of way. But I think you are missing the point. Broken hearts mend in time. Sadness is washed away with deep abiding love. The wrinkles become invisible, and the strengths we bring to relationship cover the weaknesses of each other.
    We need commonality, but we also need difference to keep us challenged, stimulated and interested. Women do think differently than men, but when we each come to a place of acceptance, of ourselves, and of others, then we understand that we are functionally different, and that we need different things.
    I believe that part of the relational problem is about expectations. We expect that our life partner will give us total fulfillment. That is out of line because it is our relationship with Jesus that does that. Women seem to need more relationships – friendships, than men. Men need straight forward. Generally they are say it once, and that is it till it changes.
    Women seem to be more, remind me how much types.
    That is exciting, and it reminds me that Jesus said, husbands lay down your lives, love your wife, and to wives he said respect your husbands and obey. Seems to me, he noticed the differences required relationally. Funny that!
    I guess all this means… wait for love! Don’t settle for less. It is worth the wait. Oh and by the way, you are special, so it is taking God a bit of extra time to do the icing on your cake, but she will be so worth it (and she will have extra cheese LOL)

  3. I was struck (like the good kind) by the line
    “But easy isn’t good. Easy isn’t great. and easy doesn’t get us as much revelation of the trinity.”

    The build-up of this piece of writing is brilliant. Thank you for spending the time to communicate this. Love it.

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