“I don’t fear truth, especially the truth I do not have.”
I hadn’t been in the ocean in five years. But my New Years resolution was to get in… It was the 27th December. So we hike up this steep and sharp rock face, and then I’m told to jump. I can see the water. I can see how far I will need to jump out. I have seen others jump. I am told how easy it is, but I fear the truth. I fear the conclusion.
I wake up to a cancer ridden friend telling me about the gospel and asking why I haven’t jumped in yet, to the sweet waters of baptism. I am pretty sure I have to be a little less sinful to jump in. She says I have it wrong, it’s the opposite. The truth scares me.
I grew up knowing that weed and alcohol were not scary things, so although I tried them, I never got infatuated by them, but sex was always something to fear. Something to keep secret. Something to sneak around to find out. The truth, even tho it made me curious was something to fear, something to avoid.
Someone once said God is like a good father, who is always looking out for our best which i had a great example of in my own parents. But I held to a truth that God was angry and vengeful and a little elite. I knew I was right, and I knew if I let go of that truth, then most of my truths would fall apart. Letting go was a mystery, so even tho Gods goodness was attractive, I feared it. I feared the truth.
I never knew how bitter I was until I was forced to look at the truth through the mirror of others.
I never knew how sarcastic I was until I heard myself through the eyes of an American.
I never knew how defensive I was until I hurt a close friends feelings and saw it in his eyes as he came to me humble and truthful.
I didn’t want to know because the truth freaks me out. Because if truth is true, then I can continue in lies or I have to change.
I don’t want to fear truth anymore. I want to invite it, tension and discomfort and all. I don’t want to fear the unknown, because 9 times out of 10, new is fun. And new is good for me.
I want to hear different perspectives and not instantly try to prove them wrong. I want to agree with opinions that I don’t share because they are true and great.
I don’t have to be right. I fact I’m not right. I want to fight for relationships and finish with trying to trump the right of relationship with the wrong right of being right.