SOMETIMES…. you sit next to someone in tears and realize you want what they want…. to be somewhere else.
At other times you hold the cutest baby in the world and never want to hand him back.
Today I want to be honest with you. Awkwardly, bluntly honest.
I want a BABY.
I want a cute, hilarious baby, who looks a little like me, who keeps me up at night, who throws up on my favourite collared shirt, who stops me from reading a book, or seeing my friends. I want multiple babies.
I want a wife.
I want a cute lady who makes me laugh and gets excited with me about cake, who sings with me and asks me questions that make me shut up and think. I want a partner to punch me in the back when I’m being an idiot, who dreams with me and bigger than me. I want cuddles and eyes that i can stare at literally for ever. I want to introduce her to people and have people give me that look like “Why is she with you?”. I want a mother to my children, and side by side adventurer.
I want a home.
I’m tired of counting the beds I’ve slept in during the year on multiple hands. I’m tired of having to keep my toiletries on a shelf in my room with my tea and my shoes. I want to invite people into a kitchen that is warm because I baked a pie. I want to laugh and drink beers with hundreds of people at a party I organised to get to know the neighbourhood. I want a community i can influence. And friends and family that i have known for more than four years, with history, and intimacy and depth. I want to be unawkward with my siblings, and sit on my couch with my son and my friends of 25 years.
I WANT to be in one spot for more than three months (Haven’t done that for five years.)
I WANT a band that plays together and records and plays shows.
I WANT to finish my book and go to uni get fit and buy new shoes and own another 80’s corolla that I get to drive wherever i want. I want to be sad when i farewell people because it is foreign, i want a dirty old couch that holds memories and good times.
Part of me wants these things. Some of me mourns not having these things, and dreams about these things too much.
But honestly, I’m living the life of my dreams.
I believe God is taking me on a journey through the world to teach me specific things that i sometimes learn and sometimes I’m thick-headed and don’t get it. But i believe he is taking me to greater places than when i choose.
A few days ago i was talking with my sister and it hit me. I love my life. And i love other peoples life. And i want babies. and the next person who complains to me about having children, or how marriages are hard, or how their job is boring, or they wish they had my job. I’m going to punch them directly in their huggable face.
Wives are the best and they are supposed to sometimes be hard because YOU sometimes suck, and they need to help you get awesome.
You chose your job. If you really want my job come and take it from my cold dead hands. or just come join me. Sometimes i sleep on airport floors and its fun because i get to watch strangely amazing families interact. Sometimes i struggle to breathe because my body reacts weirdly to fetta cheese in sweden. And thats fun, because i figure out how my body works.
And sometimes i get to sit in a hot tub with a norwegian, a faroe islander and a Brazilian and talk about the God we serve whilst drinking cold water as it starts to rain. with the sun still up at 11pm at night.
I am beyond blessed. and so are you.
I just thought you would like to know.
7 thoughts on “Honest reflection: #mylife”
JBR You’re the best! I love your writing and honesty, and amazing friendship
So so good Jez! I love your writing and thinking and love that I can read this entirely in your voice. Miss you heaps!
love this 🙂
This just made me smile from deep inside. You are expressing how we all feel sometimes (good writing)! Maybe it’s wanting the alternative that helps us to get through the hard stuff…to know there are other realities out there, other possibilities.
The crying person is me! Haha 🙂
This is all so honest and beautiful! It’s everything we feel but never say because we fear people will see us as ungrateful but it’s just pure truth! Love love love it!
the crying person was me, and you made me realise i didn’t want to be here but i liked that i am here. “here” being, my life.
no, the crying person was YOU. i dont know what happened with my reply below.