terrified but trusting.

Tonight some interesting things happened. I walked into a large gathering of Christians and sat a few rows from the front and instantly got annoyed as the light show kept flashing at me. I don’t understand light shows at the best of times. (Yes, i prefer hardcore punk show lit by two bed table lamps) but i especially am annoyed when lights are shone INTO my eyes. So im being all complain-y about the stupid lights when the song begins to be sung.

THE song. That i first heard on a mountain top in east timor, played on one of my best friends phones. The first time we heard it we all commented… ‘this would be crazy good as an acoustic song’ But in that large crowd I understood. it was brilliant the way it was. Memories flooded back of that outreach. and a strange warmth came over my body, and I sang loudly.

The whole night i didn’t understand much being said. It was fathers day, there was a rapper, and the sermon was about peace. But it was nice having that moment of remembering God doing crazy good stuff. It was also cool singing “how great thou art” in swedish and understanding most of the words, and watching five cute babies being sung “halo” by beyonce in front of 1000 people as a dedication.

I was also asked if i was looking for a girlfriend and what i was looking for if i was. The best I could come up with was “A girl who isn’t locked down to a physical location” And then i started staring at couples wondering what it would be like to have a tall wife. And then the conversation turned to the question “what if some of us are called to not having a family?” Which pretty much is the only question that terrifies me. As I skype my niece in australia more, as I am surrounded by multiple cute korean and swedish babies, as i watch the tv series “Vikings” and vox all my adopted brothers and sisters all around the world… i want a family. but in the conversation today i was starkly reminded of a moment in south africa… the first time God ever asked “Would you follow me even if i asked you to never have a family”… i said yes. I will always say yes.

you know why?

Because it makes sense. It is so logical it should be given its own theory name.

“The God family theory” – or something more fancy.

if the creator of the world gains your trust so deeply that he can ask you to give up something… and he is all about the good of the world…. and he sees eternity… and he DOES ask you… it is good.

Terrifying… but good.

So as i regret that 330PM coffee, and i write 1.5 hours after my bed time. The thoughts must be looked at.

How deeply do we trust that God is good?

Do i trust God to move to sweden to lead something i have never done, in a town i don’t really know, with a team of relative strangers, for a longer time than is comfortable? YES.

Do i trust God that he knows what he is doing and therefore I don’t need a detailed 10 year plan just yet? YES.

Do I trust God enough to let Him decide the things pertaining to the desires from the depths of my heart?

And at this stage… my honest answer is…  Not enough to ask. Because I am terrified of His answer.

Lets see what happens tomorrow.

What are you terrified of?

Is your God glad?

Categories: God

3 thoughts on “terrified but trusting.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s