up until this week there was one thing that could instantly transform me into a blubbering crying mess. Scenes in movies with Dads and sons reuniting. BOOM instant crying. Not that I have had one of these moments with my own Dad. I love my Dad and have always thought he was great, but, maybe I like when other people like their Dads and my heart wells up and etc.
This week we watched a scene from a movie I have never seen and a kid read an excerpt from his journal that ended with him labeling the group surrounding him as home. Cue water works…. BUT, as I was in public I forced them back so I only had lightly moistened eyes.
Home gets to me. The idea that people and not a geographical location being home is something my soul cries out for. and I definitely have that. As my physical location home has been moved constantly on a three monthly basis for the last 5 years, I have gotten good at getting homely fast with people and new rooms… but there are still moments when I miss the homes I have left behind. And some of those homes just don’t cut it when they speak to you over pixelated video calls.
Last night I skyped a good friend for an hour. It was nice. We giggled a little, but my soul craved to be in the same room on the same couch simply watching Vikings together. I have an iMessage group with 4 of my closer friends who live in four different time zones. They make me laugh and think constantly, but I miss the days I would sit in their room while they watched die hard 4 and just sigh, relieved that they knew me and allowed me in their lives.
Yesterday a group of us sat in a room together and asked God to sort through what we believed to see what lies we believed and why. There was prayer and tears and laughter and moments of deep revelation. Some of these lies we had been believing since we were very young. These old “truths” affected how we saw our parents and God and ourselves and had sometimes fruited into destructive behavioural tendencies that stopped us becoming who we were designed to be.
I remember going through the process of what we went through yesterday by myself in my room. Staring out the window 3 years ago I simply asked God. Where is this specific behaviour from? Why do I struggle with it? When I understand your love for me, why is this still a part of my life?
He led me to a few moments in my life. Simple mistakes, or simple decisions that, combined with other simple decisions ended up avalanching into a source of comfort when life got out of hand. Instead of finding comfort in God or people, I sought to control my life in specific ways so I felt safe. But like most safety we make up for ourselves it became a prison.
One of the fruits of this control exploded into something quite strange. Something I didn’t want. So I decided to get it out in the open, to get a different perspective on it from someone who wasn’t trying to control my life. So I walked a long street with a good friend and he listened and made understanding noises, and at the end looked me in the eyes and said ‘I love you, there’s nothing wrong with you.”
Yesterday, as we did a similar thing as a group, we asked God when it was our choices that were wrong, or others. Did we have to forgive or ask for forgiveness? and what was the lie we believed, and what was the truth we needed to hang on to.
and God spoke. God is very interested in being home for us. but he wants that home to be comfortable and cozy and intimate. With doors wide open for us to hang out.