Hope and sleeping next to the highway.

What is it about being rich and powerful that really gets us going? What is it about that little thought ‘what would I do with a million dollars?’ that is so fun to think about. If I had a million dollars I would still struggle with occasional loneliness and tiredness. I would still be away from some of the people I love. I would still make mistakes and struggle with less than life-giving habits. If I was an owner of multiple cars I would still have to fill them with petrol and occasionally wash them. Even if I had servants to do those things I would still need stimulation through the production or the creative process that would keep me sane.

Ever since I was young, I very quickly got rid of the “because I have to” thought. I never went to university, I have never had a full-time job in the traditional sense of the word. I didn’t have to buy a house or get that specific car (drove an 87 corolla for five years) . I haven’t had to have my own room. (shared a room for 22 of my 30 years.) I never had to because I saw much more fun in relationships, freedom of time restraints and an ability to travel across the world with a backpack and a phone.

This week I skyped a good friend of mine and during the conversation she mentioned how my life was a bastion of hope for others because I was actually doing what I wanted. I was actually on that adventure that others craved but couldn’t go on for whatever reason. She made it sound like I was richard branson or matthew broderick in some hijinks-filled teen movie. And although I agree with her partly because I am living the life of my dreams and that dream is about to get even dreamier in less than a month, I disagree that I am that in completion.

I have this thing I like to call Naive Hopefullness. My Naive Hopefullness is what compelled me to walk 25km away from Sydney to sleep on the side of the road before hitch hiking to Melbourne because I knew someone would pick me up in the morning. My NH walks into rooms full of strangers knowing that by the end of the night i will have new friends. It allows me to move to Sweden and Norway and  Lithuania because I am convinced I will be able to produce something in the people there and they in me that will better both our lives. My NH also allows me to throw a ton random stuff in a pot and cook the best soup ever (just did it).

My Naive Hopefullness circumvents my oddly timed deeply debilitating shyness that stops me making friends in places that should be easy to do just that. My NH also circumvents my life shattering unhelpful penchant for habitual time wasting because it drives me to pick up a pen and start drawing, or go on tour with a band playing bass or walking 10 km to take photos of old buildings.

My life is made amazing because of a strange boldness that I now feel like i have no control over, in the best way possible. Because I understand my own unique engagement with this world but also because I have been deeply loved my whole life. I am super secure in hope for the future, in belonging in the present and past filled with mistakes that I have, on the whole, learned from.

What is your engagement with this life? How do you see the future? and WHY?

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