Today was a strange day filled with… memories. Both ones I remembered and will remember because it was such a good day. Like a lot of good days I woke up at 5am and couldn’t get back to sleep. So I listened to a book and then… slowly got out of bed to make coffee with a sock.I ate an incredible breakfast whilst I finished the emotional rollercoaster of Robin Hobbs latest book.
I then dressed for American football similar to how one would dress for a date. “not those pants… they have a stain… I wonder if I should have layers of pants… will I need to run much…I wonder if they will like me” etc. Got in my friends car and ended up not at an inside stadium (as my Australian brain thought… 1 degree outside… who plays in 1 degree?) but outside, with almost 40 guys all dressed in grey trackies or sports skins with shorts. I, in my infinite wisdom wore 3/4 black trackies and purple skinnys. (I did not take off the skinnys as planned)
We ran drills, I started getting comfortable and started singing and dancing and being cheeky. and then it happened… one of the tender spots in my strangely bold and bulletproof exterior. Being taught through shame. I hate shame. I hate feeling like there is something wrong with me. Because there isn’t. I am well made and well skilled. But one of the skills
Being taught through shame. I hate shame. I hate feeling like there is something wrong with me. Because there isn’t. I am well made and well skilled. But one of the skills
I hate shame. I hate feeling like there is something wrong with me. Because there isn’t. I am well made and well skilled. But one of the skills I do not have is upper body strength. So… it ends up being that we have to do 5 slow push ups anytime a member of our team makes a mistake. these pushups are to be done slowly, in time with everyone whilst others watch. This is, for some, the first time they have played American football. We were playing mainly in English for the first time and I was the only non-Lithuanian speaker. and here we are being “taught” through a sense of shame in our connection to a team that changed every play. #insanity. My conclusion on education aside, who is this guy to laud over us a punishment system?
But like well-coached athletes we did our pushups. Me and 8 other taller, more muscled guys. So, after doing 10 slow pushups, I started to struggle. and in my struggle I began to feel more and more like there was something wrong with me. Like all the times coaches had tried to shame me into getting better. All the times I was bullied for being different, the insecurities that I thought I had dealt with a decade ago started yelling in my ears. and of course, I started coming up with excuses for my “wrongness” in my head.
“I’m a musician and a photographer, why do I need bulky muscles? I didn’t make any mistakes? We just learned this game… etc.”So. long story short, I got a good
So. long story short, I got a good workout, made a lot of people laugh and was successful in every area except being awesome at push ups. There is nothing wrong me, but I definitely don’t enjoy being reminded of my chosen weakness let alone my non-chosen ones.
Then I returned home to eat an amazing casserole, have an amazingly warm shower and travel into the city to hang out and eat cake with one of my favourites and it began to snow. It was another moment in my life where I felt like the most privileged man in the world.
I laughed a lot today. I walked through the snow with an umbrella and sang along to Irish standards. A friend made halva with semolina, I will soon fall asleep in my really warm bed, I encouraged some people today, I spoke to my parents today and I listened to an incredible podcast that I want to blog about soon. It made me want to clap at the end whilst riding the bus.
I hope your day has been nice.