Today I was reading through a short course in resilience as the snow quickly fell from the sky and then stopped and it asked me to clarify my “why.” In former times this was an easy answer. It was always connected to people, and love and creating life and more life. But currently, as I rethink or avoid rethinking my entire life, the question stumped me for a bit. Why am I living here, why am I getting a job, why do I choose to do certain things and not to do others, and why do some of you choices seem quite reactionary and childish when in former times I would have stuck with a black and white view of certain behaviours? For the majority of 2019 I was living in survival mode. Figure out how to eat, figure out legal requirements to stay, figure out rent. And thanks to a beautiful lady, and many other good people around me, I am now in a less stressed position. But as former community melts away and new community starts to build…. what is my why? What is the long game I am playing? And how do I now play it?

People – are still important to me. How I interact with people is still curious and wonderful. But how do I add value to 7 billion people? How do I add value to a people of a nation I am not politically or blood-related to? And does that even matter as we are all the same, just linguistically a little different.

A God of love – My language for God has changed drastically. And the way I may interact with the rhythm of existence feels different because it has to. But, that hasn’t really changed my why, just the practical outpourings of how that why looks.

Creativity – music is taking a back seat, but will always be there. The creative itches of my soul are being scratched more gently, and that’s how it will be for a few seasons I think.

Meaning – just as my 14 year old self wrote into songs, and screamed silently into books in my nanas house – I need meaning. Without meaning found or meaning written, whats the point? And maybe thats, why my why, is hard to answer right now, because my meaning has taken a hit, some of the written pages have been ripped or burned or erased and I am just left with bits and pieces to try and reform the guidebook. And maybe thats the point. Maybe we don’t need the guidebook because love, truth and creativity isn’t written. It has been drawn into the faces and hearts of those we hold.

Ok… so maybe thats my why at present. To understand and honour the meaning drawn into every other face. And as I have only so much storage space to hold and care about, maybe “every other face” will actually turn out to be “my top 43 favourite people and 12 strangers”.